Friday, October 24, 2014

you googled that? and made it here? really? v3

Monkey grabbing boob - this baffles me.  Why do you want to see this?  And what makes you think you'll find that image on my boring little mom-blog?

Beard sexy guy - don't get me wrong, I'll search up a sexy bearded guy like nobody's business, because, obviously.  But, why here?

Throw up in mouth a little - I always wonder what is going on in someone's mind when they search something, like, did this person just throw up in their mouth a little and they wanted to see what was happening?

WTF Batman - Hm.  I say this occasionally.  I guess?

Parents who swear at their kids - jeez, I don't do this.  I don't swear in front of my kids, or at them.  Some people think I'm judgey when I say that, and maybe I am.  But inwardly judgey probably.  

Boy blowing - Welp.  One could take this is many ways.  I'm going to choose to think the searcher was referring to gum.  Boy blowing gum bubbles.  Because come on.

Fucking Christmas miracle - I did say fucking Christmas miracle more than once.  Sorry.

Jesse Williams is hot - I conCUR. 

Do cats have boobs - what in the world?  But then again, do they Focker?

Brick laughing - if you aren't an Anchorman fan, this might seem like, weird.

Guns and Roses and sex - I'm assuming this is somehow in reference to the band Guns 'n Roses.  Because otherwise, that's just nonsensical.

Sexy super model camel toe - you guys are gross.

Camel toe - and again, really?

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

oh, i forgot!

Oh I have totally forgotten to post a few things that I meant to post!  Like, how I was offered a hit off  of a joint the other night walking to my car after a freaking rad show that I went to see.  Can you believe I did not partake??  I know!  Me neither! I may or may not have seriously hesitated.

Also, how I accidentally tried lamb and maybe kind of liked it!  I know!!  Gross, right?  I ordered this gyro, and who knew it had lamb in it.  Apparently it did.  Which I found out after eating it and liking it.

And how my sister and I got in a text fight and didn't talk for two weeks and one day.  I know!  Shocking!  We never fight - we are both fairly passive.  I can't even think about the last time we actually had a fight.  Text fights can get a little fresh, too.  I think it's the whole, I'm not looking at your face while I tell you you're a jerk thing.  Anyway, I think it's over.  Which is good.  Because she has cancer.  I'm sure there is something in the rule book that says you can't have a two week and one day fight with your sister who has cancer probably, right?

Which leads me to, oh yeah!  I forgot to mention my sister had cancer.  And her husband too. They actually got diagnosed within two weeks of each other.  Crazy and scary and ugh.  They are both doing well though, both making their way through it in good spirits.  T-bone finished up his chemo, and Ali is about to start her radiation, so, there was that.

So there's more I'm sure.  I will get to it all at some point... I'm back in it to win it.

Friday, October 17, 2014

wtf Wednesday, on a FRIDAY!

Is there a meme out there for WTF Wednesday?  If not, there totally should be, don't you think?  And I could be persuaded to make one.

And by the by, is meme pronounced "me me?"  Or "mem?"  Maybe "meem?" Mémé - like we are Fronch?  How the eff do you pronounce it?  I cannot be the only person who struggles with that.  Meme is a stupid word anyway.

I hate messing up pronunciations.  Once I said Bon Iver wrong, like "Bon Eye-ver," and someone was like, "uh, you do know that it's 'Bon E vare,' right?"  I was like, oh.  And then I felt like a dumbass.

Another time, when I was just learning about Quinoa, I asked a guy at this pretentious health food store if he knew where I could find "Kee-know-a," because jeez, that's kind of how it looks like you should pronounce it.  And he was all, "Oh, I've never heard of that before."  Like a jerk.  Then he goes, "Ohhh... you mean 'Keen-wa?'  Sure, it's right over here."  And in my head I was like, fuck you, ass.

That's my worst thing, feeling like a dumbass.

On another note, I feel very discombobulated because I accidentally put a lotion on that kind of has a fragrance that is overpowering and it is totally stuck in my nose holes and I don't even smell like myself.  Seriously.  WTF, Wednesday.   Even though it's Friday. I might need a re-shower.  

And just an observation.  Did you ever notice that there are no black emojis?  Like, why is that?  I think there's the Indian guy with the turban, but besides that, I have not seen one black emoji.  I wonder why.

Also, I am trying to reset my metabolism.  So far I think it might be working.  I'll keep you posted.  Later bloggers!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

for the love of cod, could somebody please build me a treehouse?

Have you ever seen an adult treehouse?

Not like, an adult adult treehouse.  Nothing porny.  Just everything filled with awesomeness.  Like my own private little treehouse in the woods or something.  It needs to be fully functional.  Because I am not a huge fan of going to the bathroom outside, and chances are, I'll want to stay in my treehouse for a long enough time that I'll have to go to the bathroom.

I mean, we all know that I have an amazing bladder, but I plan on spending a lot of time in that treehouse.  So a bathroom would be great.  Also, a big cozy bed with fluffy white bedding and great pillows.  I plan on spending a lot of my time in the big cozy bed.  Again, nothing porny.  Just cozy.  And I will watch movies and read and listen to tunes and eat candy in that amazing thing.  And you know, not exactly rule out porny.  Because come on guys.  You have to admit that my treehouse would be far too awesome to not take advantage of, pornically speaking.

That's a made up word right there.  But I think it works.

So um, anyone want to build me one of those?

Monday, October 13, 2014

i hate dinner

It is inevitable.  As inevitable as the sun coming up, or the stars coming out, or the tide doing what the tide does.  Every. Fucking. Day.

Yep, I'm referring to making dinner.

It used to make me feel like a failure at my job - you know, the job of Mom.  But damn do I hate feeding my family.

That sounds terrible.

I'm not sure what it is about dinner that gets me tense in a way that other things don't.  Lunch doesn't really  annoy me.  Breakfast - I'm all over it.  But dinner?  Ugh.  My nightmare.

The question, "what's for dinner" literally makes e feel like someone is squeezing my head in a vice.  And I do mean literally.  I am opposed to people who say literally stupidly.  But I digress...

It's not like I can't cook.  I can!  I actually like to cook.  I do enjoy it.  I think it's the pressure to provide something great every day.  Something good and tasty and healthy and like, ugh.

If I ever got a massive windfall, I think I'd hire a dinner chef.  And the chef also has to clean up after himself, in my perfect world where I receive massive windfall money.  Because obviously if the chef left a huge mess it would make the dinner a little sucky.  Because that's what I'd be thinking about while I was eating my great meal.  The clean up.  And who wants that, in their perfect world?

Nobody.  That's who.

Friday, October 3, 2014

intesify it

Have you ever read something that hit you in the gut?  It could be a quote, or a passage in a book...  lyrics to a song.  It happens to me all of the time.  I think I am an intense person inside.  I don't show that intensity to anyone really, it's easier to just put on the masks that you need to put on to get through.  A lot of times the things that hit me hardest are really intense.

I was going though my notes app, and I found this quote that I copied down some time ago.  I don't know where I got it, just that it must have hit me enough to copy it down.  I want to get it out of my notes, because I need to.  So I am putting it here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

sweetest goodbye

where you are seems to be
as far as an eternity
outstretched arms, open hearts
and if it never ends, then where do we start?

i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever did receive

pushing forward and arching back
bring me closer to heart attack
say goodbye and just fly away
when you come back
i have some things to say

how does it feel to know you never have to be alone
when you get home?
there must be someplace here that only you and i could go
so i can show you how i
dream away every day
try so hard to disregard
the rhythm of the rain that drops
and coincides with the beating of my heart

i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever, ever, ever did receive

Saturday, September 27, 2014

maybe tomorrow will be great

I hate today.  Today sucks so hard.  Today is the worst day.  I want to go to bed and erase the things in my mind and close my eyes and make it be tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow will be great.  If not great, maybe better.  Hopefully better.

Hopefully better.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


I feel restless.

I can't figure out what it is, but I am not content at all.

I feel like I need to DO SOMETHING.

Do you ever feel like that?

My legs wiggle when I sit still, like they are telling me to get up and just  do something.  Something important.  Something big.   Make a move.

It just feels like something intense is coming and the air is crackling.

And I walk around somewhat aimlessly trying to think of what it is that I should be doing.


Friday, May 9, 2014

Things Moms say...

As a mom of four kids, a Norwegian, a dog, and a blankie called Nanny, I find that I am often surrounded by little people.  In honor of the impending Mother's Day extravaganza weekend ahead, I figured I'd post a few things that I've found myself saying in response to certain situations involving certain little people.

Would you burp like that if the President was here for dinner?

Get off of your sister's face please.

Do not whip your brother with Nanny!

We don't say kill you.

We don't say half-wit.

Please do not lick your meatball.

Please do not lick the door knob.

Quick! Get your undies on! You cannot go to the ice-cream truck naked!!

No, we cannot have skittles and orange soda for dinner.

Do not shoot your sister again, or you will sit on the stairs.

No, not ALL moms have those dents on their legs. Thanks.

Can anyone tell me why there is applesauce in my shoe?

I will spank your bare hiney right here in public if you do that again!

Little girls are not really supposed to drink coffee for breakfast.

Do you really want dirty little germs to build their little germ houses on your teeth? Good! then brush!

Why does your blankie have a leash on it??

No, you can NOT try to blow up a potato with gasoline.

No, rocks don't catch on fire. Wait, WHY??!

Maybe you can jump off the bridge when you're nine.

Not it!!!!!

I will pay you if you try out for baseball.

I will pay you if you wear what I pick out for one week.

Uncooked spaghetti is probably not considered a healthy snack.

Because jumping off the shed onto the trampoline is dangerous, that's why!

We don't say, "poop on a shingle."

We don't say, "pooped in your face."

If I hear the word "poop" one more time at the dinner table, someone is sitting on the stairs!

No, I will not give you $39 to buy a BB gun.

You can't live off of Pop Tarts and applesauce.

Who ate bee yo-yos* in my bed???!!

Is that my toothbrush that you are using on your doll's hair??!

Because I'm the Mom, that's why.

Any momisms you'd care to share?

*bee yo yo = Honeynut Cheerios.