Friday, January 17, 2014

quitter

I didn't formally make any New Year's resolutions.  Every year, I start January filled with hope of a "fresh start" and a "new beginning," and blahblahblah.  And then, I pretty much never complete anything significant on my resolution list.

It's like, you put all of this pressure on yourself to do all of the things you procrastinate about or hate, but you expect yourself to achieve these things all at once - you're basically bound to fail.  Especially if you have my personality disorder, which is a giver-upper before fail-er.  I wonder if there is an actual term for that.  Maybe I should make one up.

For the most part, I am a quitter.  I hate to fail.  But I never really recognized that giving up or quitting before failing was actually failure in itself.

I'm not sure what it would take to motivate myself to make certain changes that I really want and need to make in my life.

The thing I need to get over is that giant fear of failure.  I guess my old therapist would have said, so what if you do fail?  Who cares, really?  Besides me, anyway I guess.  But it matters if I care, right?

Right about now I am so craving some time alone.  I need to get away from responsibilities and just clear my brain.  I've been sleeping kind of sucky lately.  I need to just think and make decisions and figure things out.  Everything is hard.  I need to figure out where to go.







there's something about you
it's hard to explain
there's something inside you, boy
and you're still the same


6 comments:

  1. We all struggle at some point in our lives. Finding the direction in which to go can be one of our biggest hurdles. However, once you set your mind on your mission, you'll get there....:)JP

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  2. Ah, good luck with finding your motivation! I go through phases exactly like this myself, and it sucks. {{BIG HUG}}

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    1. Thanks Minxy... I'll get there eventually. xo

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  3. I need to make some changes too. Serious ones. Big ones. HUGE. I think the main thing holding me back is the stupid financial thing. I really do hate the need for money. And alone time? Oh how I LOVE alone time. It's not so easy to find now that the youngest is back home. But she's moving in a month or two. And peace and quiet shall be mine once again! Now, if I could just get rid of the man that lives here...

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    1. Ugh... big changes always seem to require big money. That sucks so bad. I would really appreciate being independently wealthy, lol. We'll have to talk more Pam!

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